RICHARD ORD: The best way to view modern art is at a gallop

Despite earning an A-level (grade D) in art and having bought a Roy Lichtenstein poster in 1987 (making me something of an art aficionado in my neck of South Shields), I’d never, on all my trips to the capital, ventured into the gallery.

A pity since, earlier this year, I decided to rekindle my interest in art by buying an easel, canvas, brushes, and a set of paints. I also bought myself a black polo neck jumper to complete the bohemian artist-look having already grown a beard to stroke while pondering my blank canvas.

That canvas, to my shame, has remained blank. Though, I have to say, rather than being taunted by the blank page, I do find comfort in staring at that oblong of nothingness resting on my easel. Why spoil it with paint?

Anyway, I was in need of inspiration, so this time, I wasn’t going to miss out on ogling the modern art greats while on a weekend in London.

To be honest, though, just being in London is an eye-opener.

Such is the imaginative and (to these dulled Northern eyes) flamboyant dress sense of many in the capital, I’m surprised there aren’t more public beatings to be witnessed.

Turns out, Londoners are pretty open-minded and accepting. I felt I could walk around the city in my underpants and string vest and no-one would bat an eyelid. Given London prices, if I’d spent more than weekend there, I’d probably end up half naked anyway (with the price of a pint galloping towards and often beyond £7, there’s no shortage of boozers who’d have the shirt off your back!).

Anyway, me and my better half dipped into the Tate to appreciate the art. Started off well, but pretty soon appreciation fatigue began to take its toll. ‘How about we speed-appreciate the work?’ She looked confused.

I explained: ‘By not stopping until we reach the gift shop.’ Consider it a drive-by viewing. Honestly most of the work is best appreciated at a gentle jog between entrance and exit using only your peripheral vision. Visit complete...