15 of the funniest Jason Manford jokes and one-liners

Here are Jason Manford's funniest jokes and one-liners (Photo: University fo Salford Press Office / Wikimedia Commons)Here are Jason Manford's funniest jokes and one-liners (Photo: University fo Salford Press Office / Wikimedia Commons)
Here are Jason Manford's funniest jokes and one-liners (Photo: University fo Salford Press Office / Wikimedia Commons)

Born in Salford in 1981, comedian Jason Manford has become a household name over the last two decades for both his stand-up and his appearances on TV panel shows like 8 Out of 10 Cats.

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No stranger to controversy in his personal life, some of Manford's jokes are similarly hair-raising - but always funny.

Here are a few of his best.

Warning: some adult humour

"I’ve stopped tipping. Not fly-tipping - I’ll always do that."

"I'm getting my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, just her stocking filler."

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"Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water."

"An old lady at a cash point asked me to help her check her balance, so I pushed her over."

"I spent two years in therapy for my Phil Collins addiction, but I did it. Against all odds. Just take a look at me now."

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"I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?"

"I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays.'"

"I was at a funeral the other week and I couldn't get reception on my phone, so asked the woman in front of me what the wifi password was. She said, 'Don't be so bloody disrespectful.' I asked her if it was all lowercase but she didn't say."

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"Me and my wife decided we don't want kids. So if anyone wants them, we can drop them off tomorrow."

"I changed my password to 'incorrect', so whenever I forget what it is the computer will say, 'Your password is incorrect'."

"A pop star? I thought Kanye West was a train station."

"'Do not touch' must be the worst thing to read in braille."

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"'I’ve got some gigs in Afghanistan.' 'What, for the troops?' 'No, it’s for Al-Qaeda, Mum.'"

"I don't hate ginger people. Don't get me wrong, I like ginger people. They were the only people who stopped me getting bullied at school."

"The problem with having three children is choosing your favourite."