The universe according to Donald

John Devlin. 27/07/15 . TURNBERRY. Trump Turnberry. Donald Trump visits as his course that is holding the RICOH Woman�"s British Open.
John Devlin. 27/07/15 . TURNBERRY. Trump Turnberry. Donald Trump visits as his course that is holding the RICOH Woman�"s British Open.

It’s hard to believe that it was only in January that Donald Trump was elected the 45th President of the United States, and it really does seem as though he has created some sort of alternative parallel universe.

Do we laugh, cry, worry, build nuclear shelters, or just close our eyes and hope that he doesn’t start World War III by reigning down “fire and fury like the world has never seen” on North Korea?

Donald J was born in New York in 1946. He attended the New York Military Academy, but avoided the draft for Vietnam. He has five children from three marriages and for 45 years has managed the Trump Organisation, a real estate development firm specialising in offices, hotels, casinos and golf courses.

During the election campaign he declared his net worth at over $10billion.

Trump flirted with politics in the past and maintained a high media profile by hosting the US version of The Apprentice and being involved in the Miss Universe pageants.

He has appeared in films and TV programmes and is a member of the US Actors’ Guild. In 2005, not realising that he was being recorded, he said he could do anything with women – “When you’re a star they just let you….you can do anything.”

During the election campaign he called for the jailing of “Crooked Hillary”. He was at the forefront of the Obama “birther” conspiracy and tweeted: “Obama is, without question, the WORST EVER President.”

During a campaign supported by David Duke, a former Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Clan, he promised to build a wall on the border with Mexico, “the greatest wall that you’ve ever seen – so great this nation will likely name it ‘The Trump Wall’”, and make Mexico pay for it.

He would also get rid of Obama (Health) Care and replace it with something “terrific”, temporarily ban most foreign Muslims and Syrian refugees, never take a vacation, prosecute Hillary Clinton, kill the relatives of terrorists, bring back water-boarding, deport 11 million illegal immigrants and get everybody to start saying “Merry Christmas” again.

As the first President without any previous military or government experience, and having lost the popular vote by around two million, he tweeted: “With possibly the exception of Abraham Lincoln, I will be the best President ever.”

He then withdrew the US from the Trans-Pacific Partnership and the Paris Climate Agreement to fulfil his promise to ‘Make America Great Again’.

In the first six months of his presidency he has hired and fired Chris Christie, the Governor of New Jersey and head of his transition team; Walter Schaub, his Ethics Director; Michael Flynn, his National Security Advisor; Sally Yates, the Acting Attorney General; Sean Spicer, his Press Secretary; Reince Priebus, his White House Chief of Staff; James Comey, the head of the FBI; and Anthony ‘The Mooch’ Scaramucci, his second Press Secretary who lasted all of 10 days.

It is alleged that members of his team and family may have colluded with persons connected to the Russian Government accused of interfering in the election campaign. Robert Mueller, a former Director of the FBI, is investigating.

Maybe back in the real universe Hillary Clinton won the election, North Korea and Iran stopped their nuclear programmes, Sunni and Shia Arabs signed a peace accord, the Presidents of Russia and China won a Nobel Peace Prize, the EU allowed free access to the single market to everyone in the world, and the price of beer and fish and chips went down.

As a former South African President once said: “The alternative is too ghastly to contemplate.”

Time to open the gin!