Stay afloat in the stock market... invest in balsa wood

Financial experts have long warned of the dangers in ploughing your cash into volatile stocks like Global Tech, munitions and Crocs footwear, with many analysts suggesting the safer bet is in the stability of rare natural commodities.

While most people plumped for gold, silver and platinum, I tried to stay ahead of the curve and scoured the wood markets for a bargain. Balsa wood looked like a sure-fire winner. Popular in the Seventies for children’s easy to assemble model gliders, a comeback, I felt, was on the cards.

I was wrong. No movement. Guess I’ll have to play the long game to see a return on my investment. Wish I’d put my money into gravel when I had the chance.

But, I hear you ask, why have the world’s stock market trading floors suddenly got the jitters?

Turns out Trump’s tariffs and, to a lesser extent, the disruption caused by the release of the Epstein Files has caused a global wobble.

And I blame those in the crosshairs of this far-reaching scandal for over-egging their denials of impropriety. The royal family member, formerly known as Prince, being chief among them.

Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor vigorously, strenuously and, sometimes, vehemently denies any allegations of wrongdoing as if in training for a Refutation Olympics.

Just how strenuous are his denials? What’s he doing, issuing them from a treadmill?

Is he furiously carving his denial into a 6ft by 3ft solid block of marble with a hammer and chisel, before heaving it onto the steps of the law courts? Now that would be a strenuous denial.

If anything, his denials are casual. Issued in ink and drawn up by extremely wealthy lawyers. If you think tapping a keyboard and licking an envelope is strenuous then so be it, but to me it’s simply a denial. And a bog-standard denial at that. Given the millions Mr Mountbatten-Windsor and his mother forked out on the whole process, perhaps it’s more fitting to call it an ‘expensive’ denial.

Anyway, further Epstein File revelations have given many more people that sinking feeling.

If they’re looking to stay afloat, I have a light and buoyant commodity perfect for their needs. If the price is right, I’d happily sell, and for the sake of their privacy deny having ever owned it. Strenuously, of course.