RICHARD ORD: The Queen's Platinum Jubilee Pudding? Ma'am, it's a piece of cake!

The Queen's Jubilee Jailbreak pudding.The Queen's Jubilee Jailbreak pudding.
The Queen's Jubilee Jailbreak pudding.
What better way to distract ourselves from the woes of the world than to devote some time to creating the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee Pudding?

I for one have thought of nothing else since the competition was announced this week, drinking in the top tips of Royal insider Gyles Brandreth.

According to Gyles, a Royal biographer, the pudding needs to fit the Queen’s tastes which are apparently ‘simple and unfussy.’

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So that’s unfussy, just like her palaces and as simple as say her jewel-encrusted crown and sceptres. You know, basic.

For that reason I’m going easy on the gold leaf, but I reckon you’ve got to think outside the box if you want to win this competition.

That said, I thought I’d better check out Brandreth’s claims about the Queen’s ‘simple tastes.’ At first glance they do ring true. One article I saw online revealed that she likes fish and vegetables, but no potatoes. Sounds simple enough.

Of course, you’d be kidding yourself if you thought that meant she was a sucker for Birds Eye fish fingers and frozen peas. A typical lunch for the Queen would be a portion of pan-seared halibut on a bed of wilted spinach with a Mornay sauce. (I went to Asda today and, typical, they were fresh out of Mornays! Is ketchup a suitable alternative?).

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If she really has simple tastes, the Queen must hate the mix of mango chutney, curry powder, sultanas, mayonnaise and cinnamon that goes into Coronation Chicken. Ironic, given it was invented in her honour.

Personally, instead of a Jubilee pudding, I think they should have gone for Platinum pizza. But then that may have drawn attention to her favourite son, Prince Andrew.

He’s been keeping a low profile these days, although I am continually reading that he’s vehemently denying sex abuse claims being laid at this door. If he’s not ‘vehemently’ denying them, he’s ‘categorically,’ or even ‘unequivocally’ denying them. Whatever happened to just plain old denying?

His repeated denials seem quite energetic, yet by all accounts he’s just driving around Windsor Castle (one of the Queen’s most unfussy of fortresses) in a Range Rover. He’s hardly what you’d call working up a sweat.

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And I reckon, that’s why I’ve got the perfect prize-winning pudding.

Her Majesty likes things simple and since everyone during lockdown has been baking banana cakes, why not make a banana cake in the shape of a Covid molecule? Topical! But, given her fave son’s current legal predicament, the Queen would love my secret cake ingredient … a file!

One Queen’s Jubilee Jailbreak Pudding coming right up…

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