And while I’m enabling a global conspiracy to enslave humanity, I must also remember to check the letters page doesn’t contain any swear words.
Our overlords are naturally keen to advance their global brainwashing agenda, but not at the expense of spelling mistakes in court stories.
In case you’re wondering what I’m talking about, let me explain. Courtesy of a brief ‘conversation’ with an anti-vaxxer on Facebook, I have been exposed as a Government-sponsored Agent of Fear. At least, I think that’s what he called me. I went to check his exact words, but found out I’d been unfriended.
I was going to tell him I wasn’t, as he suggested, a mind-control officer for Boris Johnson’s shady paymasters but a writer on a local newspaper who also, among other tasks, is often asked to check the crossword puzzles.
But all trace of my friendly social media banter with the anti-vaccination brigade had been wiped. Turns out they don’t like their hysterical rantings punctured with measured facts.
To be fair, these volatile opponents of vaccination and mask-wearing have some powerful and influential allies.
Loose Women panelist Denise Welch, washed up popsters Right Said Fred and that woman who looks at poo for a living to name but three.
To be fair, Right Said Fred are actually two. They appear to have ditched penning inconsequential pop songs to become experts in the field of infectious diseases. I can see them now, surrounded by smoking test tubes as they debunk the theories of quacks like Professor Chris Whitty with a series of complicated experiments all of which, I trust, are conducted shirtless for sexier results. Of course, I should have known better than to engage in conversation with a determinedly misguided anti-vaxxer.
My view is: Do what you can for the good of people’s health. If you choose to do nothing, keep schtum about it. Posting incessant anti-vaccination guff does not make you a hero standing courageously against the tyranny of a global conspiracy. It just makes you a desperately sad individual. Anyway, I’d go on, but I’ve got to reprogramme those vaccine microchips for my masters, before finding a suitably inoffensive picture for this column...