RICHARD ORD: It's class war! Frappuccinos and fag ash everywhere...

It was the first thing I checked on Google (after wishing him happy birthday, of course, I’m not a monster). The internet wasn’t that clear on the subject, although on basic grounds of ‘morality’ I shouldn’t cast him adrift just yet. Bleedin’ morals again. The sooner we lose them the better. You know, like our political leaders have.

Obviously, when our Isaac emerged from that glowing pod found on the beach (that’s what I told him, it’s good to feel special), the world was a different place. You wouldn’t get Tony Blair making stuff up.

On checking, turns out Isaac was born in the very year the CIA admitted there was no truth in Mr Blair’s claims of weapons of mass destruction which led to the war in Iraq.

Fast forward 18 years and our PM’s new director of communications, Guti Harri, reveals Boris is ‘not a complete clown’. Which is reassuring. But he’s clearly working on finishing the job.

Just as Blair demonised Saddam, so Johnson is demonising Starmer. Everyone and everything gets demonised in the end.

In the year our Isaac was born, fox-hunting was banned. Great. The cute cuddly fox was saved from the evil huntsmen. Then a few years later, foxes were demonised. Remember the front page stories about street foxes trying to attack babies? No animal is safe. It’ll be frogs next.

Even clothes get the treatment. Not long ago working class mothers were being hammered for dropping their kids off at school in dressing gowns and slippers. Now it’s middle class mums being berated for wearing Dryrobes. The Dryrobe is an over large waterproof coat lined with toweling. It was designed for surfers to get changed out of their wetsuits without flashing their bits.

They are now the go-to outfit for middle-class mums dropping their kids off at school. If there was a class war today, it’d be Dryrobes v dressing gowns. Frappuccinos and fag ash everywhere!

Even fireworks are, pardon the pun, under fire. Sunderland City Council has moved to enforce the use of ‘low noise fireworks’ at events. Ideally, they want ‘silent’ fireworks.

Who demonised fireworks for being too noisy? Next they’ll be too bright. Perhaps the council will only hold firework displays during daylight to protect sensitive eyes and ears, with the crowd encouraged to provide the noise.

What a world we’re created for our kids! A place where the damp squib is not something to fear and avoid, but actively sought as the grand finale of a firework display.

Wouldn’t surprise me if Isaac wanted to wash his hands of me.