RICHARD ORD: Buttering toast is no laughing matter

Is buttering toast really so difficult? My 17-year-old son seems to think so. So difficult, in fact, that he is working on a pain-free solution.

Wednesday, 6th October 2021, 11:44 am
Buttering toast is no laughing matter.

It’s often said that ‘necessity is the mother of invention.’ In our Isaac’s case, it’s laziness.

‘What,’ I asked exasperated, ‘is so painful about buttering toast?’

Giving me a look that suggested I was out of touch with the harsh realities of modern life, he proceeded to explain, using few words but plenty of exaggerated arm movements.

‘You know,’ he said, ‘that faffing about with knives and butter and stuff.’ All of which came with flailing arms and clenched teeth, as if he were applying mounds of butter onto toast with Samurai swords!

To his credit, he had engaged his brain and had come up with a butter spreading device he reckoned would be perfect. ‘Just have the butter in a hand held tube like a Pritt Stick,’ he said. ‘You just take the top off, twist the bottom and spread the butter on the toast. The heat of your hands will make the butter more spreadable.’

To be fair it wasn’t too bad an idea. But really, is the modern youth so lazy that even buttering toast is a chore too far? Then again, spreadable butter was presumably invented after the moans about the hard and unyielding butters of old.

Perhaps Isaac has stumbled upon the next big thing in kitchen gadgetry.

‘You could call it the Butt Stick,” I ventured. On second thoughts…

Since the future of the planet is in the hands of people like my kids (may the Lord have mercy on our souls), I guess they have to be indulged.

Though I do worry. I bought our Isaac a new college bag last week. You know, those ubiquitous black holdalls with the sports manufacturer’s logo featuring prominently. Yes, one of those.

It cost me about £16. The youngster behind the counter said: ‘Do you want a bag?’

‘Yes, that one,’ I said pointing at the bag I’d just purchased.

‘No,’ she said, ‘A plastic carrier bag.’

Why on earth would I want a flimsy plastic bag to carry a heavy duty holdall?

‘Most people do,’ I was told!

Another unnecessary plastic bag, coming soon to a sea turtle’s esophagus near you.

Like I say, I worry...