Employment opportunities

HO ho ho and a very Merry Christmas to one and all.

Seasonal greetings out of the way, now to more pressing matters of avoiding economic armageddon.

Re the Gazette’s Keep Northumberland Working campaign.

Three business opportunities, (I have others, but they might be too strong for readers of a sensitive disposition):

1 Local sign-writers and rescue services wanted.

I am sick of hearing about jerks being ‘rescued’ from Holy Island at my expense. A simple solution – put up this sign:

‘Customers! Pay attention! Here are the safe crossing times; if you get stuck we have three levels of service;

Basic: There is a refuge box – you’d better have your space blanket and a flask of soup with you, but this is free. (We paid for it earlier.)

Premium: Our marine rescue team will whisk you back to the mainland at a cost of £200 per jerk.

Executive: You will be airlifted out, enjoy panoramic views of your car drifting out to sea along the beautiful Northumbrian coastline and have the holiday memory of a lifetime. All this for only £5,000 per person. Family discounts not available.

2 Local supplier of wellies and gloves wanted.

If wind turbines are such a great idea then build them yourself, not on the backs of taxpayers.

Any county councillor whose mind is so feeble that he can’t remember that he put an application in for a turbine on his own land should look for a job that’s less taxing.

Something useful like litter-picking. Opportunity for local supplier of wellies and gloves.

3 Supplier of sporting goods wanted.

Messrs Goodwin (RBS) and Applegarth (Northern Rock) and the other reckless/extravagant/conceited/megalomaniac bankers.

We know it was not your fault that you ruined the lives of millions of people – the inquiries have said so – but how about having a bit of shame? At this festive time of year how about giving back some of what you ‘earned’ during the gravy train years? Yeah, thought not. Then haul them up in front of the People’s Court and invoke the Clarkson Solution.

Opportunity for local supplier of guns and ammo.

I have other ideas but for now, have a Happy New Ye... wait a minute … what are those four horsemen on the horizon?

R Handyside,

Swarland