I HAD just booked our summer vacation under canvas in Cornwall and was in the holiday mood.

The sun was still glowing at the end of a glorious Friday – summer was in the air and the first flocks of tourists were beginning to descend for the bank holiday weekend.
I fancied a trip to the seaside and headed off to Seahouses.

Our initial plan was for fish and chips from one of the many restaurants specialising in the traditional British 'delicacy' in the village.

But we passed The Seafarers café/restaurant on the way in and thought we would check out the menu in the window first.

It looked decent enough, not much imagination and certainly not cheap – about £8-plus for main courses – but as we were in Seahouses, we decided to push the boat out.
Our trip started badly and became decidedly choppy the longer we were there!
We walked into a completely empty restaurant – the carpet at the entrance was filthy, as if a party of hikers had paid a visit after yomping across muddy fields. We did our best to ignore it and chose a table next to the window – floor-to-ceiling panelled glass – after the children's menu had met with the approval of our nine-year-old daughter.

There was no music to break the ice and we amused ourselves watching a procession of folk file into the Co-op opposite.

Nothing unusual leapt from the menu to grab us by the throat to say: "Eat me!"
Starters included prawn cocktail, garlic mushrooms, mussels and soup (tomato).
Being a fish fan and with the smell of the sea still filling my nostrils, I went for the prawns (£4.50); my wife chose the mushrooms (£4.25) and my daughter joined me in the prawns (£2.25 for a half-portion).

Besides being deserted, the restaurant was deathly quiet, apart from a loud, ticking clock above the exit, a buzzing freezer at the back of the room and the frequent ping from the microwave in the kitchen.

It was neatly laid out with blue and white tablecloths, tea lights (which remained unlit all meal), nifty glass place mats and twee paper doiley drinks coasters.

It would have been more comfortable as a daytime café than an evening restaurant.
Our prawns, when they arrived, were small, crumbly and tasted as if they had been frozen. Mine were swimming in a seafood sauce straight from a jar (my daughter had wisely declined the sauce). There seemed to be quite a few of them set on a bed of roughly-cut lettuce in a ramekin.

Our toasted wholemeal bread triangles were still warm but came with foiled pats of butter that were dark yellow, almost cheese, at the edges.

The mushrooms, perfectly round breadcrumbed balls, were also straight from the freezer.
I kept the fish theme going with my main course – poached salmon fillet with a parsley sauce and vegetables (£9.25).
My wife continued her love affair with lasagne but was given the choice of just chips or salad and garlic bread – so chips it was. For £7.50, we expected at least a lettuce leaf on the side.
When the salmon landed, it looked a bit lonely and small accompanied by half a dozen or so halved new potatoes and a jug of sauce. The side plate of vegetables included some very strange grey carrots.
As I attempted to pour the sauce over the salmon and veg, I realised there was going to be bother. It wouldn't shift. Shake, tip, tap – it stayed put in the jug and had to be prised out with a knife.
I rarely complain about food but had to send it back and received another attempt within a couple of minutes.
This time it flowed. And it was sorely needed as the salmon had been overcooked and was very dry and on the verge of returning in the same direction as the sauce.
The broccoli and cauliflower were the best part of a shoddy dish. At £9.25, I expected better quality.
The lasagne, although tasty and infused with an aromatic herb and seemingly home-made, was similarly dry and over-microwaved. The meal simply had no variety.
My daughter struggled with her burger and chips (£3.95).
We could not face a dessert – but just for the record they were sticky toffee pudding and Belgian chocolate pudding (both £3.75). Syrup sponge pudding (£3.50), spotted dick and jam roly-poly (£3.25) were crossed out on the sweet board.

Our 'waiter', who was friendly enough, if over-intrusive, explained he was the chef and was forced to double-up after a member of staff had phoned in sick.

The Fawlty Towers capers continued when the till wouldn't work as we tried to pay our £37.30 bill, which included a glass of red wine and a Budweiser.

I hate to think what would have happened if a coach-load of punters had landed. I'm sure The Seafarers is better suited to café custom, with its simpler demands.

We were still the only customers by the end, although a couple had stepped inside and thought better of it.

We joined the procession up the ramp to the Co-op to buy a packet of sweets each.

STAR RATINGS (out of five)
Quality of food *
Choice * * *
Vegetarian Choice * * *
Value for money * *
Atmosphere *
Service * * *
Children catred for * * *
Disabled access * *
(Step)
Disabled toilet No
Overall experience *

VERDICT: Not good

The Seafarers Restraunt, 40 Main Street, Seahouses, NE68 7RQ.
Tel: 01665 720 973